Shared thoughts

I always told myself I would never post stuff this personal on the internet…but currently I’m just lost I just don’t know what to do right now. I was focused on this test all day, and I mean I noticed you wasn’t talking to me but I just won’t paying attention to it. I waited and I just figured you were at the gym and then I just figured you were busy and I just thought nothing of it. And I finish my test and around 7:30 everything hits me. All the shit that happened yesterday and then the fact that you just didn’t want to to talk to me. I became angry…I never get angry. Like, what happened yesterday is in the past, like, I still think about it, but I can’t change anything about it, so I’ll just be angry about it for a bit.

But you didn’t talk to me!!! And I just feel so empty! Like nothing left is in me. I have no desire to do anything. I’m tired of snapchat, tumblr, Instagram, and texting. I always loved texting…but I just have nothing left in me right now. I’m so emotionally drained that it’s physically effecting me.

I gave you my all… I feel like someone came in with a moving truck and just moved everything out of me. Organs, most emotions… I literally feel empty. But I cared about you so much. I could never describe it. The saying goes something along the lines of “say what you need to say now, don’t wait.” And I wanted to tell you like 2 months ago…but I wanted to make sure it was real and at the right time. So I was gunna wait until we spent the night out in the city. We were suppose to get drunk and stare out at the stars. And I didn’t care if you got drunk that night, because you would’ve been with me and I would’ve made sure you were alright and nothing happened. And on that night, we would’ve been laying on the sand at the beach staring at the stars making stupid comments and telling secrets we would’ve never told sober

…that night I was gunna tell you I love you.

Not really love in the way between marriage but like I sincerely care about you love. That’s why I always told you I really care about you. It was my way of hiding me saying I love you. But if I told you that when I started feeling it, I don’t think it would’ve made any difference. I don’t know…I just don’t know. I really did give you all of me.

And right now I’m just so angry. And it’s making me feel like I don’t love you but I know I do. I’m just so angry because I feel like everything is about to end. And it’s not suppose to. It’s not!!! And…and I just don’t know what to do. I mean logically I should just let it happen, but I told you I would never give up on you! I don’t want to give up. I really care…. I really love you, and I don’t want to give up.

But truth of the matter is…you never felt the way I did for you for me. You were too busy worried about yourself, when I was willing to help you! I would’ve helped you with your struggles!! I would’ve taken it all just to see you happy, and I would’ve been happy too! I was willing to do it all for and with you.

But now…I just don’t know what to think. Like part of me wants to go back to you know who. The person who destroyed me. Who destroyed my innocence. Who stole my most valuable prize from me, something I was saving for someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one who is responsible for the way I act towards certain things now, yea I want to go back to him. I want feel something, I want to feel love…even if it’s not the right kind. I just want to feel something. But I don’t want to break myself. I don’t want to put myself through his bullshit again….but I want him so badly to fuck every bit of sad out of me! I just want to feel something. But then again…I don’t.

I just don’t know.


Ignoring me, Fucking other girls, Getting my hopes up just to let me down.

We Are Survivors
"You are a blessing,
like all the other
curses before you."
i never thought i would call you a story, Emma Bleker (via stolenwine)

I will not write you
any poetry.

You will deserve it
most, and yet you will
be denied the pen in
my hand, the words
underneath the tongue
you know so well.

I will not put you
on paper.

This short-lived mess
of us will not live on
past the warm weather,
and still I hate to
think of you touching
her the way you
touched me.

I will not think of
you as anything but
a body.

I will not fall asleep
with the shape of
your heart clenched
in my palms. I will
not grind my teeth
against the words
I hear you undress.

I will not write you
any poetry.

the first boy i ever loved keeps texting me and i don’t know what to say to the ones who came after him, Emma Bleker (via stolenwine)
"My body rattled
against you;
these bones have
not moved from
their quiet homes
in far too long."
you could hear the stitches in my breath, Emma Bleker (via stolenwine)